Hey guys! So. Yeah this is a thing I do.. I guess. Feels weird to be so unready but so open about the things like this. But, something needs to be said.
I know I haven't really been too talkative about this, and I know I haven't acted off behavior wise. In fact, I feel completely fine. But there's been a lot going on right now in my life. Not in the sense of ya know, stress from school, or something simple. But like.. really a struggle. I don't feel like it's right for me to just openly say it, and unfortunately I'm going to keep exactly what's going on between my beloved and my closest and dearest friends. Not because I don't love any of you(I do don't worry ^^) but because I trust them to keep it a private matter.
So let's get on with the update.
First of all, this is not a bad update. This is actually more of an.. well.. positive, I'll put it that way. For the past few months I've put a lot of pressure and stress on my beloved and my dearest friends for basically talking me through or forcing them to listen to me vent, and even at the time I knew it wasn't okay, but it never stopped me. I still did it, because I didn't know what else to do. I told them and I told you all that I was going to get professional help, and.. I'm sorry. That was a lie. A lie that I regret even mentioning. I have not received or sought out any sort of help professionally.
I said that in the hopes that it would make it seem like things were getting better, when in fact they were beginning to get worse. For the past however long it's been since I posted that, I have begun to heal from my past trauma(for those who know, you know what I'm talking about) and heal. At first, it was just getting tired of crying myself to sleep at night, then I was tired of feeling so blue. Yes, I have anxiety, and yes I have symptoms (never been diagnosed, but I know I have symptoms, and no. I'm not a hypochondriac) of what I'd refer to as depression, but I've been letting them control me to the point that.. I didn't enjoy life like I had before. Even on holidays it felt.. indifferent. Things had become so bad that I lost myself for a bit. But this isn't a story of me going back into depression. Not at all.
I am sick and tired of letting this thing control me. My whole life because of the trauma I have been forcing myself to eat so much every single day that I would get uncomfortable and even sometimes get sick from eating so much. And until this very moment I have had that struggle. I know something needs to change, because even though I look.. slightly healthy(I guess?) I do not feel healthy. I'm overweight, I'm slower than I used to be, and I'm not confident or comfortable in my own skin. Well. I wasn't. This trauma has caused me to become a pig when eating, and then make me sad because I'm gaining weight so fast. I look unhealthy and I feel just as bad. And that stops today. I cannot keep doing this, whatever this is. I can't keep stuffing my face to hide the fact that I was struggling for so long. I'm not going back to that dark place.
I.. I unfortunately am not going to seek out professional help. Yet. Focus on the yet people. I'm tired of making someone else go through my issues with me. Yes, I have a good if not perfect team. From my beloved to my best brother ever(hi baby, I love you! Hey bro, love you too!) But at the same time, other people have been fighting my battles for me. I need to take time and fight for myself. Now please note! If you think you need professional help, I highly recommend it, I just don't think it's for me personally, but you need to go and figure that out for yourself before taking my advice. Please get professional help if you need it! I am not good when it comes to advice on that matter.
But I know I need to change. I'm healing. I'm happier now than I've ever been. Yes those emotional and mental scars will be with me for good, but I'm not going to let them control me. I just need time to focus on school, focus on my loved ones, and focus on myself. I wanna add, I'm perfectly fine now. I cross my heart and hope to live that I am fine right now. I'm very happy, and I'm doing better, but I need to heal and learn how to properly let go of this trauma. So the big announcement, I'm sorry to any current or recent future RP partners, but I'm stopping them as of now for a good amount of time. I'm not sure how long, but until I'm 100% back to being okay(I'm probably like.. 65% rn, idk but I know I'm doing okay) and finally free of these issues, I'm not going to even think of rping. I'll still be here, but I will be talking only in the comm chat, with my bro, or with my beloved. That's it. There's going to be no OCs, no poems, no nothing yet. Not until I'm done with this. I'm going to fight for myself for the first time, because I know things need to change. I need to move on, to let myself be happy, and to learn how to live a healthy life. I've got people who love me. Things I dream of doing one day, and dreams to accomplish. I need to start fighting now.
No I'm not going on hiatus, I need my team here. But I will be limiting what I'm doing until I'm healed and raring to go again. I've been ignoring this problem for far too long, and I need to face it head on if I want to move forward and away from this. So to all my loyal and beloved friends out there, please be patient with me and know that I'm going to get better. I may stumble, I may not. I have no idea, but I'm going to be better one day. You can count on that. ^^
To my RP partners, I'm sorry to have to cut things off, but please know I will get back to you sometime and keep you updated. Thank you so much for rping with me! <3
Another note. Although I'm not getting help at this moment, I am completely for getting it someday. Just not now. Seriously, if you all, any of you, need help in any form, get it. Go to therapy, a psychiatrist, a doctor. Something. Even if you don't want to take medicine, get the help you need. I will do the same one day, but for now it's not possible for me. There are numbers, there are sites, there are organizations ready to help you. Get the help you deserve and need before something bad happens. You can do this! <3
You all please be safe, and I will let you know when I'm ready to start things back up again. For those who are worried, I'm not going to disappear, but I'm going to change some things temporarily. Please be patient. That's all for now dearies. I love you all! <3
^~^
Comments (5)
Hey there, stranger! I don’t know you, but I absolutely believe in you and I’m proud of the fact that you’ve decided to take things more into your own hands. It’s a hard thing for anyone to do and I applaud you for recognizing your shortcomings and actively trying to do something about it.
Good luck! I know you can do it.
Reply to: :cupid: 🖤Dɪᴠᴏʀᴄᴇᴅ Qᴜᴇᴇɴ🖤 :cupid:
Trying is all you can do sometimes! Not trying means giving up, and completely giving up looks worse than death sometimes. It just makes me really glad to see you stand up to yourself and make changes for the better. Just trying is absolutely enough and I’m proud of you nonetheless! :yellow_heart:
Reply to: B.A.
Oh you're so kind my dear thank you. ^^
Please, pat yourself on the back, I'm sure you've overcome your own struggles to get to the wonderful person you are now.
Reply to: :cupid: 🖤Dɪᴠᴏʀᴄᴇᴅ Qᴜᴇᴇɴ🖤 :cupid:
I do my best to encourage others, it’s no problem! I wouldn’t consider myself wonderful quite yet, but I can honestly it to myself that I’m getting better ^^