Connor Murphy: I Will Never Be Her

What if Connor had a reason for his actions in the musical? What if that reason was Evan Hansen?

!! swearing

tw: suicide, death

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Connor Murphy was yet again staring into the vastness of the cafeteria. He envied the happy expressions on everyone else’s faces. He envied the kids who had friends to sit with. So, there he was, in the table for the kids nobody wanted to talk to.

In the corner of his eye, he spotted Evan Hansen, swooning rather dreamily to what was undoubtedly his sister, Zoe Murphy. Everyone at school knew of Evan’s crush, yes, but Connor couldn’t get himself to accept the fact — he couldn’t accept the fact that the sandy haired boy that he had feelings for was into his sister.

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Days and weeks have ed, and Connor’s denial morphed to sadness. Not only that, but his feelings for Evan had only intensified since then. He resorted to taking drugs to forget about the boy he wanted to be with so much, and, though it numbed the pain he felt, it never took his heartache away.

Out of jealousy and rage, he often banged on his sister’s door, the one right next to his, and he yelled and screamed that he was going to kill her. Though he knew that wasn’t such a good thing to say, he couldn’t help himself. Connor became extremely paranoid of texts on Zoe’s phone, fearing they were Evan’s and that the two were finally together.

He found himself agitated every time he catches Evan throwing a pathetic hopeful look at Zoe’s direction. His outrageous tendencies became more common, and he just couldn’t keep his emotions in check.

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Connor was blinded by his emotions, often not sensing others’ in the process. He’d been trapped in a flurry of depression, and his visits to Zoe’s door became more frequent, though he never dared mention Hansen’s name. How could he? He only feared that if she found out he liked her, chances are she would like him back. Evan was a pretty good guy, after all.

Kids at school saw him as a grenade, just waiting for the trigger to be lifted, for his emotions to just blow up and destroy himself and everything around him... and maybe he was.

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First day of senior year, Connor entered the school warily. He knew nobody would talk to him, he knew the unwelcoming stares would greet him, and he knew that Evan Hansen barely knew he existed. For over four years, he’d had a “crush” on that boy, while Evan had always pined for none other than Zoe Murphy.

Connor tried to walk to class as calmly as he could, shoving all thoughts of his sister and of Evan Hansen to the back of his head. “Hey Connor!” yelled a familiar voice, almost mockingly. It made him shiver. “Lovin’ the new hair length.”

Connor’s hands wandered to the tips of his long hair. “Very,” the man sniggered lightly. “School Shooter chic.” Immediately, Connor regretted the decision to go to school on the first day, but nonetheless turned to whoever was picking on him, only to be faced by Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen trailing behind him, arm on his blank cast. Connor couldn’t help but wonder how he broke his arm.

“I was kidding,” the darker haired boy expounded. “It was a joke.” Connor simply glared at him before replying.

“Yeah, no, it was funny,” his hands fidgeted with the straps of his bag as he spoke. “I’m laughing, can’t you tell?” Rage started to take over the best of him. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” yelled Connor, taking a step towards the duo.

Jared could only laugh. “You’re such a freak,” he grumbled before walking away, leaving him alone with Evan in the empty hallway. The anxious boy, uncomfortable, laughed to lighten the air around them.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” Connor hated to burst into anger in front of Evan, but in a way, he also thought he deserved it. The confused boy looked pathetic in his stance, but Connor proceeded nonetheless. “Stop fucking laughing at me!”

Evan Hansen cowered in fear, but managed to utter a negation before getting interrupted again. “You think I’m a freak?” Connor yelled. “I’m not the freak,” he continued, making angered steps toward the helpless boy in front of him.

“You’re the fucking freak!” The taller, lanky boy pushed on the shorter one, shoving him to the ground with one huge thud. Connor stormed off, but took a second to look back if he’d caused any damage to Evan, only to be greeted by the image of his sister helping him up. Of course. Of fucking course!

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That afternoon, Connor wandered into the computer lab. The school’s computer lab was large, and held just over thirty computers. Connor always sat on or close to the one in the back corner, right next to the printer, and that day was no exception.

He noticed a piece of paper chugging its way out the printer. Curious, he tilted his head to read the text being printed out in large block letters.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Connor’s eyes widened at the sight of Evan’s name. He scanned the room, his eyes pausing on a head of sandy fluff. Connor gulped. He was really doing this. He grabbed the piece of paper, folding it into his pocket. His legs moved by themselves as his body straighten. “So,” he started. “What happened to your arm?”

In an attempt to calm the drumming of his heart, Connor took a deep breath, awaiting the other boy’s answer. “Oh, I,” Evan hesitated. He looked around. “I fell out of a tree, actually.”

Connor tried to hold it in, but he couldn’t stifle a laugh. “You fell out of a tree?” he repeated, clearly amused. “Well, that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” The poor boy shuffled in his blue polo as he forced himself to laugh along.

Eyes drifting to the stark white cast, Connor tilted his head. “No one’s signed your cast,” he muttered, pointing to the blank plaster.

“No, I know,” muttered Evan, his shoes scraping against the floor. Connor almost smiled. He found Evan’s straight-to-the-point attitude quite cute.

He looked over the other teenager before shrugging. “I’ll sign it,” he offered, and despite Evan’s protests, he asks, “Do you have a sharpie?”

Evan winced in pain as Connor pulled him closer by his cast. Connor proceeded to scrawl his name in messy huge letters covering the entire front side of the cast. Evan looked down. “Oh... Great… Thanks.”

Connor chuckled. “Now we can both pretend that we have friends,” he stated matter-of-factly, earning a small look of agreement from Evan, who was holding his hand out for the sharpie. Evan had started to turn to go when Connor unfolded a piece of paper.

“Is this yours?” asked the boy in black. “I found it on the printer. ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ that’s your name, right?” As Evan tried to reason that it was purely for therapy, Connor’s gaze fell to the paper he held in his hand, reading a part from the middle of the letter.

Because there’s Zoe.

“Because there’s Zoe,” he read aloud. Connor’s eyes met Evan’s as he continued. “Is this about my sister?” Evan could only do his best to negate Connor’s statement, but to no avail.

Connor’s eyes narrowed on the smaller boy’s nervous face. “You wrote this because you knew that I would find it,” he guesses, clutching the piece of paper in his hand. Confused, Evan shook his head in a clear lack of words.

“You saw that I was the only other person in this computer lab,” Connor muttered in an attempt to work out the situation. “So you wrote this and you printed it out, so that I would find it.”

“Why would I do that?” asked Evan, evidently nervous from his stuttering.

“So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right? And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy, right?” yelled Connor. “Fuck you!”

By this point, Connor was done. From what he’d read in that letter, it seemed obvious that Zoe meant just about everything to Evan, and he’ll never really matter to him anyway.

All my hope is pinned on Zoe.

Tears threatened to spill, and, letter in hand, the fragile paper crumpling in his grip, Connor made a run for it, crashing through the double doors of the school entrance as he made his escape. From what, he wasn’t sure yet. Evan? Zoe? Life?

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Connor was tired of it all — of always being looked through, of being invisible and never being seen by anyone. He knew it had to end somehow. He knew he couldn’t live another day of loving Evan Hansen. His eyes frantically swept over the shelves of the medicine cabinet, searching for the pills his mother had gotten in her short-lived days as a pharmacist.

Finally, he’d caught a glimpse of the white container he’d dreamed of getting to so many times before. Today was the day.

A notepad lay on the table, seemingly begging to be written on, begging on an explanation, but Connor only shrugged, snorting. With bloodshot eyes being filled with tears, he forced a smile. “They probably won’t even notice I’m gone.”

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Ellison State Park, where Evan Hansen worked for the summer, was Connor’s pick for the last place he’ll be at. He’d wanted it to be ironic, to have symbolism embedded into the way he takes his own life. At least, well, that’s what makes all the books interesting from what he’s read.

“I will never be her,” Connor muttered. “I will never be Zoe.” He swallowed three pills in one gulp, then three more, and more, until he felt his lungs constrict. He felt his body go limp, and he doesn’t fight it. Connor let his mind g

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yes. it stops mid-word because i am a cruel person.

mmm so I wrote this ages ago and forgot about it but,, well, here it is kids.

i honestly don’t know if this idea has been explored before but if you’ve noticed it around or thought of it too then please tell me because i’d love to check that out